Pseudepigrapha

Hootsmon Headlines

2012-01-26T20:31:00.000Z

Now they are complaining it's a loaded question. I despair sometimes...

Hootsmon Headlines

2012-01-16T10:55:00.000Z

Blogger is being funny again. Is it just me? I can't read or make comments on certain sites...including my own. Ah well, I'll just have to wait until my tame geek finishes Skyrim.

Hootsmon Headlines

2012-01-09T23:22:00.002Z

Well, as I always said it on here, a Tory Government in Westminster versus any Holyrood administration would lead to independence. The icing on the cake is it's a ToryLib Government made up of privately educated millionaires versus a majority SNP one.
Please come and campaign in Scotland Dave, please...

This time last year I was waiting for a builder to repair my roof and two bedroom ceilings; this year I'm a bit luckier as only the gate to the dogs run blew off. The lawn now resembles a muddy battlefield once again thanks to four terriers' escape attempts.
Many of my neighbours weren't so lucky, entire fences were felled like drawbridges and slates litter the ground like cherry blossom; the local leisure centre's roof was stopped on it's merry way to Edinburgh by a stand of trees, and my local's roof leaks.

Apart from that, it's been a good year for me so far.
**********************************************************************

Blogger is being...Blogger.

I can't view comments; I hope they are favourable folks...

The Year of the Nat.

2011-12-31T13:59:00.001Z

The UN building 20...?

Thanks to Alex Salmond, it's now become a probability rather than a pie-in-the-sky possibility.

2011 has been the "Year of the Nat" according to Alan Cochrane at the Telegraph. Of course the subliminal message Nat=Rat is what he meant...but is has been a fantastic year for Scotland and the SNP.
Let us hope that the next year shall be better. A Guid New Year everyone.

Sláinte!

Merry ChriFSMas

2011-12-24T11:42:00.000Z

Aaaargh and avast me hearties. Have a nice time and be excellent to one another.

2011-12-22T21:50:00.002Z

Alack and alas.

Please remind me not to post when drunk...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-12-17T13:04:00.000Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-12-05T12:51:00.000Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-11-23T10:15:00.000Z

Not the Hootsmon Headlines

2011-11-21T12:05:00.000Z

Been a wee bit busy the past couple of weeks, so no posting, although I have found a new source of wonder in the Torygraph.

A farewell address.

2011-11-05T18:06:00.000Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-11-02T13:54:00.002Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-10-26T22:46:00.000+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-10-07T11:46:00.000+01:00

Herbert "Bert" Jansch 1943 - 2011

2011-10-05T21:02:00.000+01:00

It's been a bad year for musicians.

And it bothers me...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-09-30T06:15:00.000+01:00

Squaring the Circle.

2011-09-21T01:36:00.000+01:00

Above is an amazing optical illusion, four circles composed of offset squares. I looked hard and long at this; my brain knew they were separate circles yet I could only wrestle the centre one to the ground and brand it.
Then, being on a mind altering substance(Leffe Brun), my mind went off at a tangent and I thought of The Daily Mail comments section.(I know... Please bear with me.)
Is this how Middle Englanders perceive themselves? Do they only see the one circle in the centre as England, the rest the other countries in the union?
No matter how often a Scot or a Welshman tells them that they are not the centre of the universe they look at a mental equivalent of this diagram and shake their heads in disbelief?

Over the top, I know. Yet every time a comment is posted on such forums that Scots are subsidy junkies; why should the sweaties get free this and free that and the hardworking English taxpayer is paying for it all, I grit my teeth and try to counter this with fact.

Yet the next time it all happens again.

Look at it. There are four separate circles. They just look attached...

Auld Hootsmon Headlines

2011-09-16T09:58:00.000+01:00

I first wrote this in 2009.

And it all starts again...

Beautiful Road Bridge over the briny Forth

That lets you visit the village of Queensferry, North

And hosts a bus service that takes you straight to Deep Sea World

I am here to tell you of a terrible tale which unfurled

When the bus tried to leave Edinburgh, where the cold wind swirled

The passenger's hearts were light and felt no sorrow

But TIE in it's wrath had ploughed a furrow

From Haymarket to Shandwick Place was a hole in the ground

Right along Princes Street and away past the Mound

(Hang on this is not in my plans; I'm writing doggerel, which almost scans

But heh, I'm only looking for an excuse; to start off McGonagall and end up Suess)

But back to the bus, the passengers happy

Not yet knowing how long they would wait for a lavvie.

So the bus crawled on with all of it's might

Keeping ladies with Zimmerframes, just within sight

At Haymarket; the passengers, bladders in pain

Got off the bus and on to the train...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-09-12T11:44:00.000+01:00

Scox is a Great Marquis of Hell, and has power over thirty legions of demons. He takes away the sight, hearing and understanding of any person under the conjurer's request...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-09-04T00:25:00.000+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-08-21T16:01:00.001+01:00

This bit is for Union is Great...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-08-10T00:19:00.000+01:00

Riots in the streets of London, British servicemen fighting in two different countries and what is the headline for three days on the Scotsman?
A man who donated money to the SNP gets knighted...
Comic indeed.

Puppy love

2011-08-06T21:57:00.000+01:00

A new addition to the family.

Grandson number one's wee bundle of joy, a Staffy puppy called Tyson.

The name, of course, is his tribute to cultural relativism...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-07-31T13:00:00.000+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-07-09T15:51:00.000+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-06-29T11:18:00.000+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-06-21T11:59:00.000+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-06-15T10:40:00.000+01:00

This is a bit too late, but believe me I've been trying to post this in some form or another for about ten days.(Blogger, computer and another reason, see below)
I still can't answer comments; I'm not being ignorant honestly.
It was my daughters graduation ceremony yesterday; the past ten or so days have been soo lovely for me as two women manged to fill two beds and one dining table with a variety of clothes, shoes and handbags...
But the look on my daughter's face was worth it.

The free champagne was a bonus.

Normal service will be resumed...

2011-06-08T19:42:00.000+01:00

I haven't been posting lately because of a mixture of illness, blogger, grandbairns, blogger, sick computers and blogger; I've come to the end of my tether, if this doesn't post...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-05-26T19:03:00.003+01:00

Bloggers been playing up again, for me at least-I can't comment on my own blog!

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-05-22T20:29:00.001+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-05-11T12:51:00.003+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-05-06T22:42:00.002+01:00

What can I say that hasn't been said countless times today?

Brilliant!

He Cannae Cope

2011-04-29T13:55:00.003+01:00

If Lallands Peat Worrier thinks this is good enough for a post-who am I to argue?

Anybody out there with with ideas for other verses feel free.

And to the kind seekers after knowledge: alas I am not the Tweeter known as LABOURSCOTLAND.

Though he did nick one of my headlines.

Sun of Hootsmon Headlines

2011-04-19T11:35:00.002+01:00

As much as I dislike the Sun (though I loved it when I was twelve, for reason's I shall not go into) at least there is there is a section of the MSM supporting the SNP, if not Independence. We all know it's a cynical marketing ploy, but...

Poor Tavish, he seems harmless enough, but I came across this photo of him and the pun kept gnawing and gnawing at me. Itch scratched.

What really disturbed me last night was a Denial of service attack on the Newsnet Scotland site.

Yet again I'm quoting Ghandi: "First they ignore you (BBC) then they laugh at you(certain commenters on the Scotsman forum) then they fight you, (Let's all guess shall we?)then you win."

Secret Diary

2011-04-09T17:21:00.003+01:00

What can I say? The guy is a prick... Taxi forGray...

Secret Diary

2011-04-03T23:48:00.003+01:00

More childish scribblings. I try my best, just like Gray. But I'm not running for Holyrood...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-04-01T18:55:00.002+01:00

I seem to be jinxed with Hunt the Gowk posts, never able to post them first thing.

What rhymes with Tavish?

2011-03-22T17:18:00.002Z

Not posted for a wee while. As Joanne said, Grandbairns and work, plus a two day bender with the Rugby.

The above pic? I live in West Edinburgh, and for many years I tactically voted "sob" LibDem until the Tory meltdown and I'm pretty sure many others did too.

Those voters will never come back to them now. Tainted.

No Hootsmons for a wee while either, once I could read a Maddox article and slightly exaggerate it; no more. Has it finally got through to them that all the SNP Accused headlines weren't doing quite the job they hoped? Perhaps. The election campaign hasn't really begun, there may be many more Hootsmons yet...

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-03-11T23:34:00.003Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-03-01T21:55:00.003Z

Thanks to Lallands who first seen the remarkable resemblence to Iain Gray in the pub sign of the Jekyll & Hyde pub on Hanover St.

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-02-16T10:45:00.002Z

For all you pedants, I know there is a fifty year gap between the Act of Union and Deacon Brodie; but it is the Hootsmon after all.

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-02-11T21:12:00.001Z

Guttered.

2011-02-09T22:26:00.003Z

I've just realised it's been a wee while since ma last post.

It's been a repairing hoose, looking after grandbairns, flatpack erecting, new ceiling painting, waiting on effing deliverymen, stopping dogs from attacking deliverymen, kind o' week.

It's also been edifying(?) watching the MSM jumping into action after the deal in the desert; the SNP were to blame, they let oot a "convicted" mass murderer for a free hand with airguns...FFS.

Yet some people will believe it...there is an election near after all.

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-01-28T08:26:00.003Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-01-24T03:48:00.003Z

The roofer came at nine on Wednesday morning and was finished by twelve, narrowly beating the plasterer, who came at eleven on Thursday morning and was finished by three.
And they weren't even Poles...
So, Friday, Saturday and Sunday were given up to the Grandbairns, leaving little time for bugger all else until now.

My brother has a new book out called "The Bookie's Runner". It's special to me as it's about our father who died when I was a toddler.

You can get the kindle version on Amazon.

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-01-15T01:47:00.002Z

Some Classical references in this, I apologise to the reader who won't get them Niko.

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-01-09T12:57:00.002Z

Not a good New Year so far. Buckets and basins are at the ready for the next thaw, but at least there's nothing left to damage. Holding off on the flatpack construction till the builders have been so we're living out of black bin liners.

Curse this global warming! Maybe this year I'll be able to plant vines in my garden Bugger.

Secret Diary

2011-01-04T23:06:00.003Z

This is for Ailuropoda Melanoleuca Peccatum Sodomiticum.

He's from abroad.

Hootsmon Headlines

2011-01-02T19:59:00.001Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-12-30T15:50:00.003Z

Probably the last post of 2010, unless something way out happens. I did this as `she who must be obeyed' and I tooks turns waiting in a phone queue to make an insurance claim.
The thaw of Sunday night melted the huge weight of ice on the roof, but most of it seemed to come down the inside of the South facing wall.
So we're now waiting for a surveyor...
Thanks to everyone who commented or just lurked. A Guid New Year tae ye a'.

Seasons Greeting

2010-12-22T12:41:00.007Z

Hi everybody. Been under the weather(almost literally!) and having some problems at work, so blogging has taken a back seat lately. Apologies to the Newsnet crowd for saying I'd do something to contribute and doing sweet eff all.
Anyhow, the time of the year where we all run about like headless chickens is upon us again, exept this year we're doing it in ice and snow. Just like the ones we used to know...

That's just how I feel about the whole business, if it wasn't for the grandbairns I wouldn't bother. Probably.

What gets on my tits though, is some bloody Christian will comment about the real meaning of Christmas, being totally ignorant about the early church hijacking two festivals to meld them into one which was under it's control.

Saturnalia was a Roman festival where once a year the slaves were allowed certain liberties and were served a meal by their masters, but woe betide them if they went too far. There are echos of this in the medieval tradition "The Lord of Misrule". Look it up.

The other one was the midwinter festival of Yule brought into what was left of the Empire by Germanic soldiers. Originally it was a tally of how much food and forage was left till the spring grass-not enough forage and that old cow gets it. Then gets eaten. Party time.

So to cap it all, two different festivals held at roughly the same time of year which involved eating and drinking; add a sweet ickle baby, mention presents (For me!?) and you have a festival which appeals to all...

"Io Saturnalia!"

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-12-14T19:09:00.001Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-12-11T22:21:00.000Z

Thirty Years After

2010-12-08T10:56:00.003Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-12-03T09:39:00.003Z

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-11-30T11:59:00.002Z

The four furry friends and I have been having a ball the past couple of days; they love the snow even though it's up to the shoulders of the three wee ones.
My particular part of the village is cut off by nine inches of snow and abandoned cars, though we can struggle to the main road which is semi-passable but I wouldn't want to try waiting on a bus.
The only down side (at the moment) is that the grandbairns are out making snowmen and sledging, two of them for the first time...and we can't get to them.
Ah well, off to the pub.

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-11-20T22:49:00.003Z

Hootsmon headlines

2010-11-16T12:42:00.002Z

Bletherskite

2010-11-09T13:16:00.003Z

Click to enlarge

This is something I'm working on at the moment due to a wee conversation at Newsnet Scotland

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-11-07T00:13:00.002Z

As many of you know, two strangely similar stories have broached, the MSM one somewhat later than the Newsnet Scotland one.
Coincidence? I doubt it. Google FOI and Scottish Secretary, what is the story you're more likely to get?
Sorry for showing another butchered animal again SR, and sorry for the use of italics Bugger...

November the Fifth.

2010-11-04T21:25:00.007Z

Remember remember the Fifth of November.

I've always loved the sight of fireworks, sparklers, bonfires and immolating Guys.

The taste of baked tatties, roasted chestnuts and mulled wine. And the odd can of Export.

The smell of gunpowder in the evening.

Then there's the preparation, days of scavenging anything that will burn.(How many future antiques have been lost?)

Stuffing auld claes with newspaper and pinning them together, a papier machie'd balloon for a head.(Then adding a Thatcher mask, or pinning on a red rosette)

Nailing the St Catherine wheels to the fence posts, lining up bottles for the rockets and getting the carry out. Braw.

Yet there is a down side.

Days before hand, pets-and their owners, lives are made a misery. Of my dogs, one hates the noise and runs underneath beds or onto laps, two ignore it and the other wants to go out and attack it.

The size of the rockets. The rocket that was shot through the doors of a library a few years ago, was of the same type that I used to buy with my pocket money; a four inch cardboard tube on a stick.

It glanced off some some shelving and a wall then fizzled out.

What if it had been one of the monsters available today? Seven ounces of gunpowder encased in something that that looks like the Taleban use, would have made a mess of anyone that stopped it.

Like this cat.

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-10-29T18:46:00.003+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-10-26T12:59:00.002+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-10-18T19:36:00.003+01:00

Grandsons 2 and 3 snoring gently, along with exhausted Granny. Bessie, the protective, clucky, one of my dogs curled up near them. The rest, all food possibilities licked, cluster around my feet. I'll try and stay awake for a while...

Zzzz....

2010-10-12T09:30:00.002+01:00

No time for blogging, had grandsons no. three and four to stay (Five months and eighteen months...)

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-10-05T22:03:00.003+01:00

I've always liked the cynical and pessimistic HP Lovecraft's work. He thought, way back then, that the universe was a bleak place, that it was a Thoth eat Thoth cosmos; and that there was no such thing as society...

Secret Diary

2010-10-04T00:40:00.001+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-09-27T23:02:00.003+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-09-22T20:37:00.003+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-09-17T22:53:00.002+01:00

A half hour o' peace from the grandbairns, a couple of Leffe and some usual contempt for the concept of religion and royalty in one post.

Priceless.

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-09-10T20:42:00.003+01:00

Rage triumphed over grief.

The Sky Pixie believers on one side wanted to burn some bound bits of paper.

The Sky Pixie believers on the other side burnt some cloth daubed with stars and stripes.

And threatened death to anyone that may be on the other side.

Sandal slapping goatfuckers, as a friend of mine once said.

2010-09-06T20:37:00.002+01:00

No more blogging for the moment.

I'm not doing a Rab or a Jeff folks, there has been a death in the family and have lost all appetite for it for now.

Take care folks and phone your family more often.

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-09-01T20:55:00.001+01:00

Secret Diary

2010-08-31T23:45:00.001+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-08-26T08:06:00.001+01:00

Couldn't resist it...

Secret Diary

2010-08-24T22:32:00.003+01:00

Secret Diary

2010-08-22T09:18:00.002+01:00

Secret Diary

2010-08-19T00:02:00.002+01:00

Secret Diary

2010-08-18T09:29:00.002+01:00

Secret Diary

2010-08-16T22:47:00.002+01:00

Many thanks to Bugger the Panda if this doesn't work.

If it does, it was all my idea obviously.

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-08-15T13:05:00.002+01:00

Been neglecting this blog lately. The pitfalls of real life have caught me a couple of times in the past week.
I think I really have exhausted the Hootsmon format, at least for now. A broken tooth is always probed by a tongue though...

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-08-11T21:48:00.004+01:00

Fixin tae die radge

2010-08-10T21:19:00.006+01:00

Well, come on all of ye, big Scots men,
Uncle Sam needs yer help again.
He's got hisel in a terrible jam
Way ower yonder in Afghanistan
So pit doon yer pint and pick up a gun,
We're gonnie hae a lotta fun.

And it's one, two, three,
Whit are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't gie a damn,
Next stop Afghanistan;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there is nae time tae wonder why,
Fucksake! we're aw gonnie die!

Come on Dave, dinnae be slow,
We all ken that yer in the know
There's plenty guid money to be made
By gien the Army shoddy tools o' its trade,
But just hope and pray though even they're shan,
They work against the Taliban.
chorus

Well, come on generals, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Now you can go and shoot a ragheid
'Cause the only good muzzie is the yin that's deid
And you know that peace can only be won
When they've all blown themsels tae paradise come.

chorus

So come on folks in auld Scotland,
Send yer bairns to the desert sand.
Come on corporations, don't hesitate
To get some profit before it's too late.
And you can be the first ones in your block
To get some Russian gas in a box.

***************************************************

I did something similar to this on the Hootsmon comments page a couple of years ago, just after being disabused of the notion that this was a war to protect us (the West) from terrorism.
I thought then, it was fight them there or fight them here; I was sadly wrong.

The Taliban in the 'stan are people who have been fighting all their life: Against their family, if they feel dishonoured, their neighbours, the neighbours of their neighbours, the next tribe, their Government, the Soviets(with American aid)
When they became the Government, the rebels...
Who were their neighbours, next tribe etc.
And now us.
But how can a medieval tribesman actually hurt us?
By taking our troops onto a battlefield of his choosing and ignoring the "rules of engagement" that our forces are handicapped by.
As in the Middle East habit of shooting weapons into the air at weddings which have resulted in well reported atrocities, as American bombs kill women and children as they return fire after several rounds from ill-aimed revelers rifles ping off airframes, and the rockets were only fireworks. Obviously.
We all know in Britain how the Yank Air Force is incompetent don't we?George W. was a pilot in it after all:)
So: Our troops are seen as aggressors to the Muslim world; their brand of sky pixie belief can't be trashed like communism was as the American brand of sky pixie belief would suffer collateral damage...

We have to leave as soon as possible.

Peace Man.

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-08-08T11:01:00.002+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-08-04T22:42:00.003+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-07-30T00:33:00.004+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-07-23T23:13:00.003+01:00

Who passed their exams?(for them) I think we should be told...

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-07-21T11:14:00.001+01:00

Oor Geordie bandwagon jumping again.

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-07-14T21:09:00.003+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-07-11T22:55:00.003+01:00

Hootsmon Comments

2010-07-09T12:35:00.006+01:00

I thought it was about time to open the front page on the Hootsmon, and where better to do it than on a "randomly" selected collection of comments? It's a bit of an in joke, but then that's the Scotsman, so what the hell.

Please leave a comment ;¬)

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-07-05T04:52:00.000+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-06-29T00:41:00.002+01:00

Tam White 12 July 1942 - 21 June 2010

2010-06-22T06:32:00.004+01:00

"Any auld hippies in the bar?" Was Tam's usual refrain when we used to walk into where he was playing. "We" being myself, my brother and a Roy Wood lookalike.
Yes, there were auld hippies in the bar Tam.
Peace man.

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-06-21T14:57:00.002+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-06-19T00:54:00.003+01:00

Hootsmon World cup Headlines

2010-06-15T14:38:00.002+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-06-12T23:04:00.000+01:00

Hootsmon Headlines

2010-06-07T22:42:00.002+01:00

Lord Sanderson has been appointed to chair a review into why the Conservatives did so badly in the general election north of the Border, winning only one of Scotland's 59 Westminster seats.

Maybe appointing him says it all?